loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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