I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
