this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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