Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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