if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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