I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
