So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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