I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
