I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
