im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
