my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
