Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
