My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
