i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
