i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
