I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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