I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He's on the porch naked. Help.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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