I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
