my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
