he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
