I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
