I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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