So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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