Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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