I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
