I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
