Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
