mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
