Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
