She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
