You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
