I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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