Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize