I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
