Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
