Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
