Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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