6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
