My cat gives me a boner
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
