just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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