community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
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This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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