You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
