I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
