My sheets look like a crime scene.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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