I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
