you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
