I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's shark week go big or go home
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
