He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
