I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
