Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
