i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
