Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Two words: blizzard sex
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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