I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
