And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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