At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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