It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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