i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
