TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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